This episode went so froggin' fast

Yeah!! Monday night!! And the Bachelor is on it's world tour. Next stop:

Fort Lauderdale

Well,  according the Fort Lauderdale Tourist Board it's known as the "Venice of America", due to its extensive canal systems.

Right. Okay.. on to the journey.

The intro is typical-the girls arrive enthusiastically to the new city. Typically the mood is light and they make inane comments about the environment . Chelsea "There's tons of water in Fort Lauderdale". They are thrilled with their hotel, explore it like children might you know, jump on the bed, put their shoes on the furniture.

First date: Chelsea
Tick tock
Tick-tock on the clock but the party don't stop no
Ari's gonna get serious with momma Chelsea b/c he don't wanna waste no time. They have a date..I'm not sure if Chelsea is wearing a cover-up or a square table cloth fashioned as a dress. I think she needed a larger square. They yacht, she is "Titanicing" - that's a word from one of the bachelorettes then jet ski..the girls happen to have a telescope on the balcony and watch them.  Chelsea then straddles Arie on a jetski. That seemed like a watercraft "don't".
Then they are off to a dinner in a car museum (hang on...I need to suppress my yawwwwwwwwwwn). Chelsea is thrilled with the car museum! She wants to sit in every car! Yeah right. Krystal's not the only one who is fake. Chelsea tells her story how she's was swept off her feet by an older wealthy man who wanted to mould her into his vision. Then the story gets questionable...they separate at 6 months and he leaves her for another woman..and her clothing is in trash bags.  I betcha they were Glad Extra strength ones and not the cheapo ones:) So then she makes it on her own..with nothing but everything b/c she has her child. Hmmmm wonder if there was any child support there. Funny, how she was saying how she got swept off her feet and made a wrong decision.- I feel like this might be happening times numero deux for her. So Arie is thrilled she's independent..and gives her a rose..and another concert. I was betting on fireworks..because there have already been so many concerts.

Speaking of fireworks..doesn't Jacqueline kinda look like Katy Perry a bit?

Group Date: Not so ballin' they go bowlin'
The boring group date. Group bowling, then a team competition. winner gets more time with Arie!
Blue team wins, Arie invites both teams because he wants to give everyone a chance of time with hime. Arie totes is an equal opportunity Bachelor. Krystal is a the social conservative of the bunch. She is upset that Arie broke with the tradition and rule that the winner of the Bachelor competition gets the time. She's so made she boycotts the cocktail party. There is no solidarity on Team Blue...she stays back in her room. Arie comes to her and basically tries to tell her to stay in her room..and that this may set them back. I think this is meant to make Krstyal tremble in her Adidas Ultra Boosts.

At the cocktail party, there is a lame attempt at 21 questions "What's your fave colour" "How do you like your eggs". The art of conversation is dead. You know what's not? Arie's pillow lips. Those lips are getting a workout this season. Kendall has a book of questions..and the one Arie chooses question 99 has to do with cannibalism. That and the taxidermy...not sure what Arie sees in her..maybe he's fascinated in a PT Barnum kinda way.

And there is much talk about Krystal. Talking about Krystal is the best advertising for her..kinda like Trump..everyone keeps talking about him.
But back to the show.

Becca (younger Becca) is the most adorable. Arie is still worried about her age. Ah Arie..don't worry..that'll just shorten your telomeres. Just keep the sleep and protein high...

Trying to put a little Wiener into the date
Sippin' Bud, getting perved and getting dubbed daps and hugs , mean mugs and shoulder shrugs.
That Arie..he's just trying make Tia feel at home throwing down some Country Grammar.  He brings Tia on a country date. Wouldn't it make more sense that you take the country girl on the 2:1 yacht date (Ari, the boat guy and the girl:) and take Chelsea on the everglade/homemade cabin, fried frog/catfish date.

But Arie takes her on a county-like date..they see alligators. Arie learns that Tia has been froggin- where you spear frogs in a dish (I wonder if Kendall could taxidermy amphibians). They sit on a porch..not sure where the house owner was..I think he felt like he was on that date too.

They go to a boat museum!  Tia grew up in the church, Arie has no faith..not sure if he's atheist or agnostic. But she pays that no mind..she's falling' in lurve...

Tia gets the rose!

Cocktail drama
More talk about Krystal.

Rose ceremony
Ashley and Mariq and Maquel go home...

Next week...They're off to Paris!!!!!! (the one in France)

Until next week... J'aime ce programme!!!!!!

PS so far only one Rose Report reader contacted me to tell me that she thinks a 14 year age difference is too big..please weigh in.

So happy we are sharing this amazing journey together...
K

Bachelor's back on track

The show is BAAAACCCCKKK
I think Ari had a nap..and now Bachelor's back alright!!!

Chris walks into the Bachelor mansion to announce..they are going AROUND THE WORLD....the girls are vibrating with excitement!!!
First stop...NEVADA.
Whah?
Oh right..this from the country that hosts the 'World Series'.

The girls are sooo pumped to leave the mansion..They leave the mansion with their arms flailing around in the air.
They get Lake Tahoe..to a hotel with lots of taxidermy. Kendall is pumped. Arie meanwhile is interested in the stuff on the inside.

The first 1:1 is with Siene who is so gorgeous.- and looked so fabulous in her white t-shirt. They parasail. Arie nervously laughs. Then they sit and sip champagne by the lake..and we get to see Arie's underwear.Then the go to dinner and have a conversation that's as hot as a job interview. They have multiple exchange about how happy one another is there. Siene is lukewarm on relationships...because her parents fought and she never grew up watching love stories with black women. Really..you're Yale-educated and you're bummed that you didn't see any Disney movies with black princesses.
Arie hopes that he can change her mind and that this is the beginning of their love story. She gets the rose...AND then there's a concert by LANCO..yup..you read right. I don't have a clue either.
I'm not sure what Arie was doing..but he was hip to the hopping a bit. Like a 2-step with a glide. Siene did dip nicely...she looks like she can do some serious back bends.

Group date: piss and vinegar worms
Maybe the Bachelor group date writers took a siesta and let the interns write this date.
Ari takes the girls for some survival lessons.where they had to pee in a water bottle then drink it. they successfully peed in their bottles and then Ari was going to drink it..which he did...and then another girl I think it was Tia...was ready to take a wee sip of pee..when Ari stopped her..and said he was driving apple juice.
All this is gross...and I didn't see much hand washing.but they did dig in the dirt and a few of them ate worms. So much bacteria on this date.
The grossest is that Kendall took him saide and they kissed with their wormy/E. coli breath.
Off they go in groups in 3 groups to find the hide-out. Where there is a hot tub. Hopefully some of that hot water killed some bacteria on their hands.
Krystal is starting to crack --anytime a woman spends her camera time talking about other women...she's getting close to a a breaking point.
Tia takes Arie aside..and pulls a Krystal move..cries to Arie..tells him this is difficult..but then snaps out of sadness to tell him she's attracted to him..and POOF she gets the rose.

oh...let's take a moment to wish that Maquel's grandpa rests in peace.

Maquel peaces out to go to the funeral. Nicely done Maquel.

And the person I'm most fascinated by is....
BECCA

she gets a one on one...I haven't cringed yet in any of the interactions.Likely because she doesn't care that much.which is awesome.They ride horses, hot tub then not eat dinner. Because Arie has a lot to swallow...the fact that Becca is 22. Weirdly- he states "I need a wife". Really Arie? That was a bit cringe-y..to be so needy. Arie looks super conflicted...I noticed that Becca just deflects most of his questions back to him and what he wants...so much so that she even says "why don't you just dump me and pick someone you can have a guarantee with". He admits he thought of that...But she still gets the rose..Is 14 years too big a gap...Dear 8 faithful Bachelor blog readers..do let me know.

Arie says he's boring now ..and likes to get up with the sun...Becca says she gets up early to go rock climbing. And Becca's family tends to marry early...That sold him on taking a chance on Becca.

Cocktail Party  Sudden death rose ceremony

Arie is crystal (Krystal?) clear on his choices. He don't need no cocktail party..hmm maybe it's getting late and he wants to get to bed.
He sends Caroline and Brittany home.

Did Krystal's breathy chat pre-rose sway him? We'll never know.

Will Siene become a princess in her own story? Will Ari keep Becca ? will Marik keep getting glam shamed? Will Krystal shatter?  Will Kendall keep her poised/quirky exterior and will she bring one of her animals on a date? Will Arie get enough sleep...
Until next week...
I LOVE THIS SHOW.......(and I've always been PRO GLAM)

Like Ari..I felt like going to bed early

I wasn't wearing a cardigan...but I felt like packing it in after hour 1 of the show tonight. This is likely the most boring episode ever. People keep saying Ari is such a good kisser..but I felt his laugh was getting annoying....

Here's what stood out to me...
This episode was comparing a Seattle casino resort  to Vegas.  It tries really hard, but gets bad entertainment, keeps trying to make everyone have fun....but it just seems so budget. Wrestling and dog training..so many opportunities for bad smells, too much proximity, too much panting..and previously enjoyed costumes with poor attendance at both shows.

• Kenny was in fine form..and I loved how he jumped the ropes. Good job Kenny!
• Why was Ari wearing black sneakers with a tie?
• Why did the Glow girls overact in their teaching the girls how to overact in the ring?
• The 'sexy costumes' looked cheap..as did the stage make up.
• When you're in your head and there is poo all up in your head, you are going down...and it ain't pretty- even in you are in a gorgeous environment like Napa or you create a lovely setting with a day bed an telescope..if you talk sh!t to yourself...your life  mirrors what's in your head.
• Bibiana is not crazy...she just doesn't believe in herself.
• Krystal may win for most annoying commentary/Ari expert.
• Even if you are in a beautiful place like Napa, with a guy who seems amazing, you can still have a date that feels so lonely. That Napa date had lonely vibes. The best thing about that dates was the date card You had me at Merlot. (I gotta use that one day:)
• Dogs are not always your best friend.
• Go with you gut-don't listen to what people say. Annilise shoulda hit the highway after the dog date OR when she was assigned the role as pooper scooper.
• Who is the woman with the dark liquid lip and the white dress? She aggressively makes out.
• Becca- the one who doesn't care if Ari takes or leave her is winning. Because she doesn't let Ari determine her self esteem. 
• I think Ari has small hands and gets manicures. His nails look so much better than mine. Damnit.
• A date in a trailer park, is still a date in a trailer park...even if they are Airstreams. Even if you drank cold pressed green juice out of a Mason jar..you are still in a trailer park.
• Ari seemed tired tonight..give that guy a cardigan and let him go to bed.

Make that two cardigans..I'm out.

Until next week, I LOVE THIS SHOW !!! (even if it was boring tonight)

BIBIANA

Don't be fooled by the roses (and time) she ain't got, she's just Bibiana from the block.

You know why I love Bibiana..she's bringing Northside to the Bachelor. One of my sister's friends in high school talked like Bibiana...or maybe 2 of them did...northside 4 Life.

This was standard Bachelor show...a lotta sparkle, some mystery and a head injury.

Becca K out of the gate with a surprise 1:1. Whoa was her date sparkly.
Ari picks up Becca on. bike and they meet Rachel Zoe who is in SUCH a sparkly gold jacket. And she outfitted Becca is some many drapey, crepey, gold lame-y dresses. Becca looked fabulous in each of them...Then some guy with sunglasses who looks like El Chapo comes up with a brief case and brings greetings from Neil Lane. I guess Neil only comes when the rings are being selected.
then they toast with some sparkly..and Becca gets to awkwardly (in spiky/shiney Louboutin heels)go back to the mansion with all her wares (and wears)  and she slips into a dress for the dinner.
Ari says he wants to spoil the girl from Minnesota...they don't eat , she gets the rose and then...dramatic large sparkly confetti fall from the ceiling.

ooooooo 1:1 for date 2...
Krystal and her voice get a hometown date...they go to Scottsdale..and they go to his house..which looks like it's been staged for sale. She gets the pleasure of watching his home movies. She seems thrilled with anything he offers..They meet his parents and brother and wife. She's presented with a. picture perfect family...Ari's mom doesn't seem overly warm...Then they leave..and Krystal tells Ari about her non-traditional upbringing over some two plates that have been food styled. He seems lovely and open and caring..but that he wants to rescue her (sweet I guess..but kinda Disney). It just seems like she will take anything and makes no demands of him...maybe she is broken..but gurrrrrrl you gotta rescue yourself (and as Bibiana wisely states later). 'You gotta check yourself first'.  Word.
Surprise the is a private concert but a Bachelor breakout star (aka no-one has heard of this person) Connor Duermt. she's holding onto Ari..he then tries to dance with her..but she just wants to hug this out.

Bash-elor demolition
As fun as it would be to smash things..this seems like a whiplash waiting to happen..and that neck protector. That was a neck protector? That looked like one of these things people put behind doors to stop a draft.
Seine won the smash up. Brittany wasn't feeling  well after. Which what we find out later that she had to be checked out my medical professionals. But the journey to true love waits for no-one so they all continued with the post party wrap up.
Bibiana queso is starting to slip off her galleta. She is getting angry about not getting time...but not making time. Chelsea - who has. big secret - tells Ari she has a child and that is why she is mysterious. Did anyone think she was mysterious? Sarcastic? Yes. Mysterious. Not really.  You know who I wonder about is Becca. You know why I like her? not just because she's adorable...but she isn't losing it over her time or lack thereof....she's truly experiences cliffhangers..and she gives off the impression that her thoughts on all this is "whatevs".

Cocktail Party aka. Krystal Interruptus

I'm starting to dislike Krystal..I don't think she control her annoying voice...but her not providing many details makes some of the girls so jealous..and I think she's aware of that.  And she has professed to being a smitten kitten. I'm not sure I've ever seen a smitten kitten. Aren't cats generally indifferent? Ari gives Brittany a certificate of "Most Hardcore". Umm Ari..the prize in this show is a a rose...noone cares about your certificate that you printed at Staples.
Seinne is the break-out star..she gorgeous, Yale educated and well-travelled. Kendall the taxidermy collector appears to be wearing another dress that was fashioned by a shower curtain.
Bibiana was interrupted by Krystal. Bibiana lays it all out to Krstyal..that she doesn't believe her fake-a$$ voice. And that maybe she should do a workout, some meditation and reflect on what she's done. Bibiana is like the union leader of the Bachelorettes fighting or equal opportunity for all sisters in the house. Solidarity!!

Roses are handed out...all I care is that Bibiana gets one!! I'm not sure how much he has to offer that is interesting..when she had an opportunity to talk to Ari..she didn't ask any questions..Teh graphic artist who was let go walked out without hugging Ari...she was burnt that Kendal was chosen over her..Oh well..Kendall did reassure Ari that she's never killed any of her animals. And isn't that a normal reassurance on a date:)

Until next week
I LOVE (BIBIANA and) THIS SHOW

Checkered flag, pit stop and pole position

Happy 2018!!!! And Happy 10th Anniversary to the Rose Report!!!!!

The Rose Report started in 2008, when we had the 'don't use work email for personal use' talk...and I had just started sending paragraph summaries to friends....Since I have a tendency toward paranoia..I stopped sending a summary and just started a blog:) And that's when the Rose Report bloomed!

I still freaking love this show:) for all the right reasons.

 This particular episode triggered 3 of my favourite make-up product of 2017...that I will infuse into the RR.
Thanks to whoever still reads the RR. I love passion and commitment...just like they do one the Bachelor:)

Sooo I don't know much about racing....but I do know the Bachelor..so let's get this journey started.

Ari starts with narrating that this is the most important race of his life. Then there was a long drawn out montage to how much he was in love with Emily. I sauntered over to the kitchen to get a snack..and managed to peel, section and eat a grapefruit by the time he finished. Dude. It's done.(and nice work Emily on not reading his journal) . What would that have changed.

What I don't remember is Ari being a great kisser. I will check my blog history. I thought this season's bachelor was going to be Peter ....he seemed a bit more dynamic..even though Peter's idea of a fun date is going to the farmers market-which I've always thought is overrated. Buying overpriced Swiss chard and walking around looking at jarred goods I'd never  use or buy seems like a bit of a bore. Interesting that both contenders have grey hair... I wonder if they'll ever have a grey haired Bachelorette. I will not wait with bated breath.

But it's Ari...he seems genuine..from everything carefully curated on the show.
And did we get that he loved Emily. He LOVED her. Let's not forget that..and he didn't find the same love since then. Maybe his competitive/adrenalin need is not met in the non-reality (i.e. real reality ) of daily life. Maybe that's a thing.

Hopefully the women competing for him works:)
Speaking of.
SO. MANY. WOMEN.
This also surprised the women on the show. I"m not sure why...I've been blogging for 10 years..there are always 25 women..so this time there were 4 extra...


The previews of some of the women's lives was funny. The best line was from a realtor (can't remember which one..there was heavy real estate representation on the show)...who said "I grew up around cars." lololololol.  And the rest of us grew up around...horse and buggy? Damn...don't mean to offend any Amish readers of the RR.  Oh wait..they don't have computers. Nevermind.

Maquel (22) stated she wants to get married...since she is a wedding photographer and loves it. (Product mention #1). The name Maquel was triggering..because my favourite lipstick EVER is the Nars Audacious line..and I have one that is awesome called Barbara...but one that I keep looking at and not buying is called Raquel. .I think I"m going to buy that Raquel lipstick. It's a sign.

Nisha went too far with her plane jumping metaphor. She jumped out of a plane once (and a camera happened to be there)..so now she wants to take a risk with Ari. Whah? I mean I love a fromage-y Bachelor metaphor but this one didn't make sense...You gotta make it gouda. (side bar..my friend Robin told me one of my jokes was a dad joke...and all my life I thought I was tremendously witty...so now I'm a bit sensitive about my humour)....but I"m keeping the cheese reference in. 'Cause who doesn't like cheese?

Tia from Wiener. That Name. Tia..who is friends with Raven..seems super likeable. So she's a physical therapist. Does that mean physiotherapist?  Is there a lot of work in Wiener?

Kendall the creative director who plays the ukelele and collects taxidermy.  Yeesh. Terrible decor...but great place for hanging laundry to dry . ( I dated a guy who would use his 'art' statues to dry his running clothes...)

Krystal..has a very breathy voice..and is coach...I'm hoping she stays on ...I'm interested to hear what coaches have to say about fitness and nutrition...I'm not saying I'm going to believe her...I try to keep an open mind...Sweet how she brings food to the homeless. Hope her brother is ok.

Alrighty..so that brought us to the limos arriving...and 10 years later..some girls still scream when they approach the mansion... what has changed in 10 years is that the women are relying more on props so they can be remembered...Ari received a lot of gifts...beaded necklaces, elephant cuff links, a ring box, a checkered flag, a 15 second guided meditation,  a BUMper sticker, a gratitude rock. The guy needed a loot bag.

The weirdest one was the personal stylist who asked him to smell her arm pits. I think that was some round about way to get to pit stop.

Bekah (the young one whose age is not disclosed) comes up in a mustang and says I may be young but I can appreciate a classic...Ari is unfazed. Bekah looks Audrey Hepburn like. She's so freaking cute.

Jenna in the electric blue satin dress...seemed like she had about 5 Monster beverages before meeting Ari. She is so hyper.

But Tia and the small wiener. lolololol....She gives him a small wiener and says I hope you don't have one...To which Ari say no I don't have one like this....I wonder if that truly is a souvenir from her hometown. Hopefully she didn't give him a real Weiner..like those cocktail ones.  That is one of the few foods that makes my skin crawl.

Chelsea seemed like a front runner (pole position) from the start. Her dress was understated..unlike most of the dresses on the show which are mainly terrible. The Creative Director looks like she fashioned a dress from a shower curtain.  Ari seems intrigued by Chelsea..Chelsea is super sarcastic and talks a lot...

Brittany..challenged Ari to a race..and if she won she'd get a kiss. Well Ari let her win..and they kissed..she said his lips are so soft..like pillows (Product mention #2- my all-time favourite lip balm is the LANEIGE grapefruit sleeping mask....even works in our Arctic pole-like/dry conditions here in YEG. )

Jenna...still hyper..happens to round up a foot soaker and massages Ari's feet (Product #3..it's not a foot thing..but the L'Occitane almond shower oil is dreamy for shaving your legs with and making them super soft)...but back to Jenna..now I"m not sure if she's super tangential or has some attention deficit issues..but she's got Ari's attention..

Ari seems to like to figure people out....

When Krystal had her 15 seconds with Ari on the couch..she seemed to get different music..and when Chelsea pulled Ari away from her (for her 2nd! visit) Ari looked back at Krystal. What can I say..people that spell their names with a K are super intriguing.

9 hours of cocktail partying...
Chelsea got the first impression rose...

I had a feeling the TV reporter wouldn't get one..but I did think it was so sweet that her dad had met Ari...

And the roses go to.... ( I couldn't keep track of the Beckah's and Lauren's so I kept a list of who got picked)

1. Bekah K
2. mariik
3. Kendall..
4. Lauren G
5. Krystal..she's a smitten kitten
6. Bekah M
7. Lauren S
8. Seinne
9. Caroline
10. Brittany T
11. Bibiana..
12. Annalise
13. Jenna-foot tub
14. Valerie
15. Jacqueline
16. Jenny
17. Lauren B
18. Ashley
19. Tia
20. Maquel-why did you do that to me? 

Instead of Marik bringing the spice..I think Bibiana is going to bring it...all the spice and all the sauce.

Until next week (when Ari is in the drivers sheet)

I LOVE THIS SHOW!!!