Every rose has it corn(niess)

Dunno about the demographics of the Bachelor blog..but the tittle is a spin from the every 80s hit by Poison (?) called Every Rose Has Its Thorn...
Yes..i liked bad music then..and umm..i still do..in 2015.
But back to this horrifically stunted yet glorious program whose producers might think that they highlight women's strength by having them run a mudder type race..whilst in wedding dresses and the prize is to spend time with a man.

Sidebar: This is the season of the lashes and accessories..but lashes seem very 2013..it really is all about the eyebrow in 2015 well at least according to my fave youtube make-up artists. Not sure how they get mascara on those lashes without marking the top of the eyelid.

Group date-gonna get  natural (on this very fake reality show) Part 1
Well the girls get all natural for the date. I think Ashely I was so busy with her lashes she forgot to put on the bottom half of her top to make it a crop top.and she forgot to button her shorts. They all get to go to a lake..more bikini time..but this time in a marshy backdrop. Some dis-robing happens. yawn. Nothing new.

Sigh..
But this is what we all signed up for. I've gotta make it quick..
Chris (the host) comes for a visit. Chris is looking like he is working out...maybe him and Jillian are pumping iron between takes. Chris is somewhat newly divorced...likely getting in some good 'me' time...maybe he's meditating..eating more vegetables and laying off the cocktails.he's looked refreshed. He announces to the remaining girls at the house that Chris's sisters will visit

The not-so-evil sisters visit.
Chris' sisters..who all look they've been to a salon for blow outs...come to visit the bachelor mansion to choose someone worthy for a one on one date with their brother. Jillian had taken a break from push-ups to catch some zeds and sun her activated glutes poolside. Someone is kind enough to wake her up for the sisters interview.
Jade gets the golden ticket (it actually was golden..not like the American Idol golden ticket which really is a yellow piece of paper).

Group date: Natural date part 2
After the lake fun..they get to stay the night..in a tent. And they all get to double up and pitch tent. Confused tenting ensues. Chris goes to help. they have a fire and they barbecue skewered meat that they probably picked up at Albertson's on the way..oh and marshmallows. Chris takes the girls on a mini cliff to have some one on one time. When Ashely approaches Chris with her open mouth to kiss hime...it reminds me of this really scary picture of an eel i had in my Bio 20 textbook of this really big mouth wide open. What ensues after  she and Chris connects mouths...it seems like there is vacuum suction there..like she could seriously suction any food item that he inadvertently aspirated.
Ashley S remains psychologically unstable. I"m not sure why the show doesn't get her help. It's not funny. Ashely I's fake eyelashes look even more creepy by firelight.
The girls think Kelsey is fake..she is all smiles around Chris..not good to be fake on the natural date.
Kaitlyn is funny and seems normal..she gets the rose. (that was put in the cooler under the raw skewered chicken..hopefully she doesn't put it near any mucous membrane).
Everyone goes to bed.
The fire is left burning.
Speaking of a burning fire..Ashely i thinks its important she tells Chris she's a virgin..but it's a fail. Chris is not picking up that she has not put out.

Back at the mansion..
Jade gets some real jewels!!! (or ones that are inflated in value due to diamond cartels)
Jade must get ready for her fairy tale date.
So I don't start to develop bad reflux..i have to be light on details.
All the girls are jealous. Jade gets a transformation room. The cool think is she get to keep Neil Lane diamond earrings and Laboutin shoes..i say..that's a score. She picks a blue dress. She gets made up ..i'm guessing not using the organic make up line that she is producing...She is wearing blue eyeliner...i thought you weren't supposed to match your makeup to your clothes..then again her 'fairy godmother' had washed out pink hair. Jade watches the part of the Cinderealla preview.
A car, not a carriage..comes to pick her up. Prince Farming is waiting for her..after he has practised some of his box step moves. He seems a bit stiff and in bit need for some Yin yoga.

They have a date..they dine..I think (did they eat?)..they have no conversation. They were both engaged!! (GASP)..really who cares. It seems like Chris gave her the rose because the sisters picked her.
Chris has one more surprise!! He gets to use his box step after all...they go to another room where  there is an ORCHESTRA!! and they get to dance on a round raised platform...Sidebar..it totally reminded me of the round table that Ivan and I polkaed on..then off of..at Festival '98...Ivan was no prince Farming..but that dude could polka!! (just not on a wobbly table at 3 AM).
Chris and Jade dance..to the sounds of the orchestra and to an excerpt of the movie Cinderella.
But back to the show..
Guess what time it is..Nope..not Hammer Time..but almost midnight..and she has to tell him..Can't touch this..because it's almost midnight. Jade seriously had to run to the car..as the clock was striking midnight...I'm actually betting that it was 10..but they just moved the clock ahead.


Another group date. Group race
In wedding dresses. In mud..to win time with Chris.
Insulting.
Jillian won..and she kissed her biceps at the finish line.
They went on what looked like a beautiful date in San Francisco. In all seriousness the second person who needs a psychological intervention is Jillian. All she talked about was competing and working out. What a snore. I'm guessing the producers cut her commentary about her diet. That  I would have found interesting.  But as my dear friend Di said..noone cares to hear about your workout. It's narcissistic and she identifies with it so much that she has nothing else to talk about.

Chris cut her loose.

Rose ceremony
the big reveal Ashely I is a virgin. Who cares. Then she has a meltdown. She is the 3rd person who needs psychological support.She wears a bad dress again.
so is Becca..but she didn't make it an issue.
Mackenzie looks like she is wearing a cute mint t-shirt but it is really a dress.
Britt asks Chris some questions..to which he has to essentially walk away from. Not cool.
Kaitlyn and Jade look beautiful.

Juliea and Ashley are gone..and so is the girl who wore a blouse and a skirt.

Julia gets a walk out from Chris who reassures her she will be found. Umm okay fortune teller.
But we should all learn from Ashely in her closing words...when a dude doesn't pick you your reaction should be.. I don't care..and go out whistlin'

until next week I (still) LOVE THIS SHOW!!!
.

The Mystery Guest, The "Amazing" Jar and The Farmer

The Mystery Guest, The "Amazing" Jar and The Farmer

Hi, I’m your guest blogger this week - since your regular bachelorette is working the casino!  You know, like Johnny Carson had his guest hosts, or Peter Mansbridge not always hosting the National, like on weekends.  So here we go….

It’s another Monday night in January…no more Monday Night Football (fyi – I’m an ex-bachelor)…but there is a different type of competition… The Bachelor!  Twenty-five players and one prize at the end (or maybe a trophy?!)!

What the…. the first shot is of Chris showering with Jimmy Kimmel?!!? Oh this is just all the previews for tonight’s episode  - it looks like a good one!  Some mystery guy is arriving at the Bachelor compound, he wakes up a snoring Chris; ...here's JIMMY (Kimmel).

Nikki loves Jimmy - she explains to the cameras.  Thank god for the PVR (…sorry Karol) - I need to catch up - there are.... 18 players left; or “Sister Wives” as Jimmy Kimmel likes to call them.  Jimmy introduces the amazing (swear) jar - wonder what they will do with all the cash at the end?!?

Date CARD!

Kaitlin gets her crack at Chris…. they will join an “exclusive club” and high ceilings…. I’m thinking this will be the mile-high club…. what the heck, they pull into the Costco parking lot… I hope they brought their Costco cards, you know members only!

We are really at Costco….oh, Jimmy gave them a shopping list and a Costco card!  Chris thinks the big bottle of Ketchup could “be fun”!  Wow, Chris thinks they have chemistry… now they are in a giant hamster ball!??!  Good thing they have the limo because they bought a lot of ketchup, I mean stuff, including bourbon.  Back at the house, they’re into the bourbon and getting it on - there are some kisses!  I think there really is some chemistry!  …they are still making out….. enter Jimmy!

We find out that Kaitlin dated farmers before! I think Jimmy is ruining this date!  Oh, Kaitlin is the CANADIAN - go girl!!   ….and she is pretty open-minded about the fantasy suite and “test driving” before you buy! Jimmy - and Chris - love Canadians!  Jimmy suggest a threesome - there are a lot of laughs… and Chris is getting the ketchup (he says – I’m not sure what that means, but Chris must have a ketchup fetish)!  Chris thinks the date was “amazing” and gives Kaitlin a rose and a BIG kiss!  Jimmy ends up in the hot tub with Kaitlin and Chris. 

Back at the farm… the amazing jar is getting very full!??!  …and group date  card, for about seven women - I think.  Cut!

Action: Gillian is working out and doing push-ups…. is this the wrong channel?, not that this is a problem.  Gillian announces “I would be scared of me” - I think she is just crazy.

Ok - Group Date is on:  There are twelve women.  Jillian is showing us her muscles and moves.  The competition starts, peel the corn - this is like Survivor - I like the competition!  Jillian’s rear gets blacked out - what is she (not) wearing?  Carly is first to milk the goat and drink it!  Now onto shoveling  crap, then to the pig pen.  While Carly is trying to get into the pen, Jillian “literally” hurdles into it - the producers play it back in slow-mo; it’s impressive and they had to black out her bum again!  But Carly wins in catching the pig: she waits rather than chases the piggies.

Group date cocktail party; Juelia is looking for some Chris time - so sad.  Carly grabs Chris and then does the whole “you are a man, I am a woman” and bam lays a kiss on Chris… good for you girl!  Next up is Amber - dancing … kissing.  Now a girl in white… more kissing.  One of the women is calling out Chris on all his kissing (sorry I can’t keep up….)- I tend to agree with her and some do some of the other women.  Becca has a nice talk with Chris….more kissing?? Oh no, only hugs and Becca says she does not want to kiss so soon. …Here comes the rose; someone impressed Chris….it’s Becca!  Carly is upset that she is “roseless” - add that one to the dictionary!  Oh yeah, more drama coming up!!

Five dateless girls back at the house (plus Kaitlin).  DATE card… Whitney gets it - she cries.  We think her hair is too yellow!

DATE (with Whitney): She has a funny little voice - I couldn't take that voice…. Chris tells her  he wants a girl that can “roll the cob” and “shoot the $&%&#”.  They are way too nice to each other.  They decide to crash a wedding that is down the hill - sure that is not set up at all.  they start walking down the hill… commercial.  Back - now they are in the limo in formal dress and suit, and it is nighttime….hmmm!??!  They decide their story is that they are engaged - they show them “crashing the wedding”.  They dance, meet the family and participate in the bouquet and garter tossing.  They dance some more… of course more kissing.  Chris you are a dirty dog! Whitney thinks this is the “beginning of a lifetime” and Chris thinks she made this date incredible …it was not the date it was her… Chris says he could see her as his wife!!  I don’t know this boy is gonna crash hard…. sooner than later!

In the morning, Chris and Jimmy shower together...the amazing jar is full - I thought the girls had to handover all their earthly belongings….NO cocktail party!…. Pool party instead!!

Juelia gets Chris out of the pool and pours out her heart… she wants to fall in love, since her life was turned upside down. I guess she was married and also had a baby.  her ex had written a suicide note and then her ex was waiving around a gun - she left him; but soon after takes his own life. wow this is heavy.

Next up: Ashley I. - no just talk.  It is some other girl…. she just decides kiss Chris… a lot… Jade thinks she needs time - so she “gets in there”; them are some high white high heels…. looking a little nasty, girl… Where are they? apparently in his room - with no windows...  Good move Jade! then she ends up in bed with him - she is sneaky – guess what? More kissing. 

They walk out and see Jillian in the hot tub.  I think she have had a few too many wobbly pops… Ashley I. joins them in the hot tub and also some other girls - they get kicked out.  They go to the corner and plot their next move.  Megan says she needs some one-on-one time.  Chris is back to sucking face with  Jillian.  Now the three girls are back!  it’s very awkward in the tub.  Jillian is hogging Chris.  Ashley runs away and throws her drink glass down… good thing they gave them plastic.

Back inside, Ashley grabs Chris, they go to an outside patio.  She has a meltdown - she is half laughing half crying (weird!) - Chris apologizes…. guess what next… more kissing.  I hope she doesn't fall off the patio!  I think Chris must have broken the record for most make-out sessions in one episode… never underestimate a farmer!

Back to the communal couch - Chris Harrison shows up and says there is a rose ceremony tonight.  Chris gets a pep talk from Jimmy Kimmel before the rose ceremony.  Chris thinks he had an amazing… hmm, incredible week.  Here we go, the roses are getting handed out: Jade, Samantha, Juelia, Mackenzie, Chelsea, Britt, Megan (…nice dress), Carly (see you still got one), Ashley S., Nikki, Jillian…… Ladies, (enter Jimmy K.) this is the final rose…. Ashley I.!  Going home are: Amber, Trina, Tracy …and then there are fifteen!

She thinks my tractor is sexy

I tuned it after a few minutes late. That is not the way I like to start Bachelor watching..but c'est la vie. I see women in bikinis in shiny red tractors. Yup. I got the right show. Although I didn't get the  backstory - but guessing the 'winner' gets time with Chris. The tractors are slow. Chris comments that they start off like snails and then he makes a honking sound. Whuh? I'm starting to doubt Chris' intelligence.
Ashely, the free lance journalist who looks amazing in a white bikini "wins". The prize is some one on one time with Chris sitting on his lap - drinking champagne of course.
Why is Chris wearing a hoodie without a t-shirt underneath?
The other girls are sitting around surrounded by hay bales looking Frozen and talking about Chris. Seriously, these girls just need to Let it Go.
Chris comes back..and asks to spend the rest of the date with Mackenzie.
Is Ashley seriously a freelance journalist? How does she not know to say gypped on the show? How do the producers not edit that?
Mackenzie..talks to Chris notices he has had his ears (did he get both of them done?) about big noses and aliens.Nice to know Chris doesn't release based on belief in aliens… Chris..you're a better person than I.
Mackenzie also tells Chris about her son Kale (Umm rutabaga is the new kale..kale is very 2014). Very sweet that he embraces vegetables children.
They end off their date with dancing in a corner..and he kisses her 5  6 times (according to Mackenzie)

Date card!
Megan the make-up artist. gets the card.
Coming off watching the Golden Globes and brand new youtube videos by my favourite make-up artists Kara Kendall, Tati , Sonia Gasparian and Desi Perkins (ok I follow too many make up people on Youtube), but I"m underwelmed by Megan's make up artistry. And I know (from Youtube) you can pull off stellar dupes with drugstore brands so what's Megan's excuse??
pardon me..i get a little passionate about make up..but back to true love..Megan got a date…they went to an airport!!!! and then on a helicopter!!! The views were great..but she seemed so taken with the Grand Canyon that she face planted in his stomach..like she was projecting her visceral reaction. So weird.
The hopped off the helicopter and had a picnic. The setting was gorgeous. Megan tells Chris about her dad dying..and that her mom told her to follow her heart. She also told Chris that she is not here for the wrong reasons…nuh-uh….only the right reasons. Atta girl.
I actually don't agree with Chris saying  Megan has the best blue eyes in North America..my nephew does…sans any make-up product. Case on best blue eyes in North America closed.
Chris is smitten with Megan…i don't' get it..and I don't get why she sporadically whispers to Chris.
She gets the rose!

Ooo..whoa ..heavy topics on this bachelor..Juelia tells the girls that she is a widow. The girls are compassionate and ask questions..even after Juelia tells them her husband committed suicide.  I thought they were very supportive…but asked the useless question if she had noticed any signs..i'm not sure how that question is helpful.
But how are the girls so supportive of that but not when Ashley clearly is having some type of issue with reality on the zombie date? I thought they lacked compassion and insight…it was like a group, mean girl bully mentality. That was sad to watch.

That whole Zombie date was hard to watch. The squealing girls in the limo..super annoying. I don't get the preoccupation with zombies…i thought the guy i dated in 2011 (briefly) who talked about zombies was an anomaly. But so many people are interested…I don't get it…Still doesn't want to make me get back together with the zombie loving DJ. But back to true love…Britt gets a card that says free kiss from Chris. She's thrilled. I hope noone tells her that Chris hasn't been charging for kisses.  Kaitlyn gets the rose!

I have to say..what endeared me to Chris is how he treated Ashley. He didn't call her 'cray'. He actually gives people a chance and accepts them as they are.

Jordan's upside down tweaking whilst drunk seemed like perfect example of why they should keep helmets at the Bachelorette mansion.

Cocktail party
I will say one thing is cray. Ashley's outfit. and there is another..Ashley's overzealous make out with Chris. Yikes. Both are TOO MUCH.
Jordan was drunk.
I think Whitney's voice got higher pitched than last week.
TaraThe cowgirl was sad.
Britt was emotional.
Katherine was back!! (whuh? she came back?)
Not much else..oh..the bartender asked to kiss Chris. Seriously? - but she secured a rose.
Jillian wiped out enroute to get a rose that wasn't hers. but she got one later…
Ashley got a rose..
Did anyone notice the sunflowers behind Chris when he was awarding roses…he likes to keep it as country as he can.
and a bunch of other girls got roses…

Tara had the saddest swan song…it went on for many verses…so much sadness for her. Yikes Tara…you gotta love yourself first…then it doesn't matter if a farmer from Iowa whose dress pants are too short doesn't pick you.

Oh..quick note..no rose report next week…this bachelorette is working a casino…oh..i mean working at a casino…not "working a casino"… I'll be up even later then when I write this report..but what do I love….. you guessed it..
I LOVE THIS SHOW!!
see you in two weeks!!

The amazingly long journey

I gotta make this Rose Report short because this was one really long episode. And there were also a lot of long lashes
But when I saw 1/2 hour is dedicated to red carpet ceremony of Bachelor Nation - my first thought that this episode would be like the tepid Canadian Bachelor …insufficient content so it depends on filler and short episodes..but nooooo…this was a 3 hour episode . Yes some people in the developed world still don't have PVRs.
Bachelor nation…it rings hollow. It's like the Bachelor franchise is trying to build a history, a family. But looking at former Bachelor/Bachelorettes hanging on the red carpet awkwardly. Kinda like flying solo at a wedding..where you only know the couple and you have awkward conversations with people you think are awkward.
Speaking of, the extended conversation that Chris had with Nikki about her non-relationship with Juan Pablo..was about  7 minutes too long. That was mucho ado about nada.

Andi looked so lovely. Josh is looking fine..i think his tooth whitening went from electric white to white ivory.. nice to see he toned it down. I'm concerned for his enamel. Andi looked better than ever. I'm not sure why she kept stroking Josh's back..but with an open hand..it was like open handed stroking. She continued that in studio when they were called upon in the town hall to discuss Bachelor Chris' decisions. She just can't let go of Josh.

I like Chris (well the host definitely..but Bachelor Chris..yes)..but the Iowa montage..was way too long..I think they covered every inch of his 6000 acres that Chris is covered in corn, soy and alfalfa. Bottome line..Chris wants a wife.and they are moving to Arlington (pop'n 400). The episode was sprinkled with many kernels :) of wisdom and farming metaphors. The Bachelor is anything but subtle.
Yup….love i a lot like farming…you plant a seed..and nuture it and you get something people. But ah..really for something beautiful to flower..the soil (and we all) need to go through a little bit of sh!t.

Stop the car(s) Stop the car(s)!!!!
Somebody please stop those cars.
30 women. Yeesh. That's 8 % of the population of Arlington.
Britt was the first out of the limo and had a hug that just wouldn't quit. But it worked..and she's adorable. I think I wanted to find her annoying..but I really liked her (and so did the Iowa home slices that were in the Bachelor nation audience). She gets first impression rose~
Jillian.whoa is she buff..did you see her do pull-ups with a weighted belt (that's pretty bad a$$ )
Reagan with a fake bloody heart…eek
Mackenzie…I think she got her dress at the Sposabella close out sale..but she made it.
Ashely..of the people are onions and you need to peel them…She seemed odd..and not because she can't explain metaphor…but the pomegranate picking was odd. I didn't know if she was drunk or off.
Tara..speaking of drunk..i thought she was going to fall over at the Rose Ceremony..but he picked her…I kinda admire Chris for that…because she was a drunk mess.
Kaitlyn. Whoa. Hold the horses…even though I know she wants her field plowed. And what about that Tupperware joke…Eek.
Carly the cruise ship singer with a karaoke machine…I think she got the machine and her dress at Toys r Us…not understanding Chris' taste.
Amanda the ballet dancer looks like a belly dancer. I think her mom bedazzled her top for the show…but they were not good luck charms.
Jade..I'm pumped she's on..because I can't wait to see her make up choices as a cosmetics developer..she looked pretty..and not like she was off to a debutante ball.
Who wore the dress that looked like a table cloth. It seriously looked like she fashioned that from some doilies that she found in someone's closet..and it was complete with doily cuffs. You can't make this stuff up.
I can't remember the rest of the women..except  Kara the soccer coach who said she wanted to "get wit" Chris..and was "just a servant"..to who.
And the big teaser is..Kimberely the yoga teacher goes back into the house..and wants to talk to Chris..will she get to stay. Yikes. Never beg. It's so unbecoming..and soon you'll be going.

The sneak peak for future episodes…looks like there is going to be drama, romantic dates (yes..there will be a private concert!) and tears along the way…it will be fertile ground that will yield true love.

until next week..I LOVE THIS SHOW!!