The Mystery Guest, The "Amazing" Jar and The Farmer

The Mystery Guest, The "Amazing" Jar and The Farmer

Hi, I’m your guest blogger this week - since your regular bachelorette is working the casino!  You know, like Johnny Carson had his guest hosts, or Peter Mansbridge not always hosting the National, like on weekends.  So here we go….

It’s another Monday night in January…no more Monday Night Football (fyi – I’m an ex-bachelor)…but there is a different type of competition… The Bachelor!  Twenty-five players and one prize at the end (or maybe a trophy?!)!

What the…. the first shot is of Chris showering with Jimmy Kimmel?!!? Oh this is just all the previews for tonight’s episode  - it looks like a good one!  Some mystery guy is arriving at the Bachelor compound, he wakes up a snoring Chris; ...here's JIMMY (Kimmel).

Nikki loves Jimmy - she explains to the cameras.  Thank god for the PVR (…sorry Karol) - I need to catch up - there are.... 18 players left; or “Sister Wives” as Jimmy Kimmel likes to call them.  Jimmy introduces the amazing (swear) jar - wonder what they will do with all the cash at the end?!?

Date CARD!

Kaitlin gets her crack at Chris…. they will join an “exclusive club” and high ceilings…. I’m thinking this will be the mile-high club…. what the heck, they pull into the Costco parking lot… I hope they brought their Costco cards, you know members only!

We are really at Costco….oh, Jimmy gave them a shopping list and a Costco card!  Chris thinks the big bottle of Ketchup could “be fun”!  Wow, Chris thinks they have chemistry… now they are in a giant hamster ball!??!  Good thing they have the limo because they bought a lot of ketchup, I mean stuff, including bourbon.  Back at the house, they’re into the bourbon and getting it on - there are some kisses!  I think there really is some chemistry!  …they are still making out….. enter Jimmy!

We find out that Kaitlin dated farmers before! I think Jimmy is ruining this date!  Oh, Kaitlin is the CANADIAN - go girl!!   ….and she is pretty open-minded about the fantasy suite and “test driving” before you buy! Jimmy - and Chris - love Canadians!  Jimmy suggest a threesome - there are a lot of laughs… and Chris is getting the ketchup (he says – I’m not sure what that means, but Chris must have a ketchup fetish)!  Chris thinks the date was “amazing” and gives Kaitlin a rose and a BIG kiss!  Jimmy ends up in the hot tub with Kaitlin and Chris. 

Back at the farm… the amazing jar is getting very full!??!  …and group date  card, for about seven women - I think.  Cut!

Action: Gillian is working out and doing push-ups…. is this the wrong channel?, not that this is a problem.  Gillian announces “I would be scared of me” - I think she is just crazy.

Ok - Group Date is on:  There are twelve women.  Jillian is showing us her muscles and moves.  The competition starts, peel the corn - this is like Survivor - I like the competition!  Jillian’s rear gets blacked out - what is she (not) wearing?  Carly is first to milk the goat and drink it!  Now onto shoveling  crap, then to the pig pen.  While Carly is trying to get into the pen, Jillian “literally” hurdles into it - the producers play it back in slow-mo; it’s impressive and they had to black out her bum again!  But Carly wins in catching the pig: she waits rather than chases the piggies.

Group date cocktail party; Juelia is looking for some Chris time - so sad.  Carly grabs Chris and then does the whole “you are a man, I am a woman” and bam lays a kiss on Chris… good for you girl!  Next up is Amber - dancing … kissing.  Now a girl in white… more kissing.  One of the women is calling out Chris on all his kissing (sorry I can’t keep up….)- I tend to agree with her and some do some of the other women.  Becca has a nice talk with Chris….more kissing?? Oh no, only hugs and Becca says she does not want to kiss so soon. …Here comes the rose; someone impressed Chris….it’s Becca!  Carly is upset that she is “roseless” - add that one to the dictionary!  Oh yeah, more drama coming up!!

Five dateless girls back at the house (plus Kaitlin).  DATE card… Whitney gets it - she cries.  We think her hair is too yellow!

DATE (with Whitney): She has a funny little voice - I couldn't take that voice…. Chris tells her  he wants a girl that can “roll the cob” and “shoot the $&%&#”.  They are way too nice to each other.  They decide to crash a wedding that is down the hill - sure that is not set up at all.  they start walking down the hill… commercial.  Back - now they are in the limo in formal dress and suit, and it is nighttime….hmmm!??!  They decide their story is that they are engaged - they show them “crashing the wedding”.  They dance, meet the family and participate in the bouquet and garter tossing.  They dance some more… of course more kissing.  Chris you are a dirty dog! Whitney thinks this is the “beginning of a lifetime” and Chris thinks she made this date incredible …it was not the date it was her… Chris says he could see her as his wife!!  I don’t know this boy is gonna crash hard…. sooner than later!

In the morning, Chris and Jimmy shower together...the amazing jar is full - I thought the girls had to handover all their earthly belongings….NO cocktail party!…. Pool party instead!!

Juelia gets Chris out of the pool and pours out her heart… she wants to fall in love, since her life was turned upside down. I guess she was married and also had a baby.  her ex had written a suicide note and then her ex was waiving around a gun - she left him; but soon after takes his own life. wow this is heavy.

Next up: Ashley I. - no just talk.  It is some other girl…. she just decides kiss Chris… a lot… Jade thinks she needs time - so she “gets in there”; them are some high white high heels…. looking a little nasty, girl… Where are they? apparently in his room - with no windows...  Good move Jade! then she ends up in bed with him - she is sneaky – guess what? More kissing. 

They walk out and see Jillian in the hot tub.  I think she have had a few too many wobbly pops… Ashley I. joins them in the hot tub and also some other girls - they get kicked out.  They go to the corner and plot their next move.  Megan says she needs some one-on-one time.  Chris is back to sucking face with  Jillian.  Now the three girls are back!  it’s very awkward in the tub.  Jillian is hogging Chris.  Ashley runs away and throws her drink glass down… good thing they gave them plastic.

Back inside, Ashley grabs Chris, they go to an outside patio.  She has a meltdown - she is half laughing half crying (weird!) - Chris apologizes…. guess what next… more kissing.  I hope she doesn't fall off the patio!  I think Chris must have broken the record for most make-out sessions in one episode… never underestimate a farmer!

Back to the communal couch - Chris Harrison shows up and says there is a rose ceremony tonight.  Chris gets a pep talk from Jimmy Kimmel before the rose ceremony.  Chris thinks he had an amazing… hmm, incredible week.  Here we go, the roses are getting handed out: Jade, Samantha, Juelia, Mackenzie, Chelsea, Britt, Megan (…nice dress), Carly (see you still got one), Ashley S., Nikki, Jillian…… Ladies, (enter Jimmy K.) this is the final rose…. Ashley I.!  Going home are: Amber, Trina, Tracy …and then there are fifteen!