FODs Back at the ranch...i mean Mulia hotel

I love this show so much...maybe because i like ritual. It's the fantasy overnight dates (FOD)..but I heard Chris H refer to is to the romantic over night dates..whatever..it goes like this.
Reunion (woman typically runs toward man..90% of the time woman jumps up and wraps her leg around him...they kiss..they have a day date..an evening dinner where they sit by food..they don't eat..because the date card is coming which means 99% chance they spend the night together...and really who wants to be digest vegetables while on the FOD...might make extra bubbles in the hot tub:)

They are in gorgeous Bali...it seemed warm not super hot..either that or Chris forgot all of his sleeveless or short sleeved shirts.
Chris says he's excited because he wants to know who potentially could be his wife (nice and vague Chris)

FOD #1 : Kaitlyn
Kaitlyn always looks great. Loved her necklace.  Chris wore a dress shirt and shortsThey had a banana feeding date.Monkey's are cute but i'm not sure i'd want them jumping on me..I actually love the way Chris laughs...it's infectious..
hopefully he's not though.it is the FOD night you know.

Dinner time...Kaitlyn talks about her wall...she tells him she's falling in love with him. He says he's falling in love with her? whah??? seriously..i thought that was against bachelor code..the bachelor/bachelorette cannot reveal true feelings till the end.

Turn out Chris says he's falling in love with everyone.
Side bar: What  does falling in love really mean? If you're falling in love..does that mean intense like? Is there any love there? Is it a BS phrase you say when you've already told there person you really like him/her..but you feel compelled to say more because the other person revealed a lot to you.I think it's a BS phrase..i think you're in love or you like someone.
or then again..maybe I shouldn't overanalyse the Bachelor.

Date card: Kaitlyn says yes and oui.  She talks about your feelings..Chris does some reflective listening. "Everything you're saying I hear". Actually he's more of an affirming listener than a reflective listener.Chris says this is big week for them (he also says that to the other two). Chris likes to recycle. Lines.

I liked the bathtub with heart with flowers in it. Adorbs.


FOD #2: Nails on a chalkboard...I mean Whitney
Wow...i find Whitney grating.

Whitney...she's so happy to see Chris. Except..she still mad at her sister.
Chris and Whitney go sailing. She's contentedly lying beside hime..she always flings her legs over him. She tells him how last week's date with him was 99% perfect, but not 100%. She had to explicitly TELL him how perfect they are together..and why her sister is so dour. Well it's because she's an attorney (?) nice stereotype. Then she was responsible for Whitney after her mom was FORCED to work full-time when the dad left. Poor Whitney. She likes to play the double-edged "I'm so hard done by, but I am strong and undependent (which is only my fall back in case the marriage doesn't work out). but Whitney is happy because Chris reassured her...and that's what she wanted...sigh.we can all relax...Whitney got what she wanted. She now feels at peace. Chris asks her to jump into shark infested water..Yes..she responds enthusiastically.

Didn't really like Whitney's dress..i like the mint colour..but I seriously think i could have sewn that dress...They don't eat dinner. Chris gives her the card..says it's an important week for them both...what does Whitney say "check please"


FOD #3 Becca
I think the producers forgot to plan this date. They walked along some irrigation channels and stood in a creek and kissed. Then they went to temple..and had a chat with the town medium. The medium advised they were a good couple, that Becca was hard to control..and they needed to make love..facig west..hmmm..hey town medium..Becca is an east facer:) Maybe he was picking up confusing vibes from Kaitlyn and Whitney.
I like Becca. She seems really calm and collected...either that or she's dim and it takes her a long time to formulate an answer. Optimistic me..thinks she is the former.
Dinner date. No eating. Chris is sweating profusely.  He presents the card
Even though I  like Becca the virginity reveal was such a snore. But she had some outtakes saying she is feeling feelings and she's excited to see what happens.
She finally tells him in the suite. He's surprised..he said he didn't guess that. He made some awkward comment like he wanted to learn more about her. (?)
Did they sleep together. I really couldn't care at this point...I just want the rose ceremony to happen.

Chris drops by a cabana to have an iced tea with Chris. Chris H does his genius interview and even asks about Becca's reveal. Chris says that had a bad conversation. Becca is no sure she wants to move to Arlington. Yay honesty!!  Chris (Bachelor) is conflicted and confused.

Rose Ceremony
Why they have a rose ceremony at a very sacred place. This show seems the opposite to sacred. But maybe in the women's mind's it's sacred and they can dissociate that the dude is sleeping with/spending the night with other women.

Dressed in tradtional garb...they all look they are wearing natural fibres...the girls dresses and both Chris' look like they are wearing absorbent materials. The colours were pretty on all the women. And both Chris' look good in white...they do look like they are about to do a martial art.

Whitney says she's very confident.

Chris is nervous..he calls out Becca. After all the chat about the terrible conversation..I thought for sure Becca was going home...until..he walks back in the temple with her!!!!

Whitney is now not so confident

I haven't felt this much suspense in so many season!! Almost as  much as Brad Womack's second season.

Whitney gets the first rose.
Becca.the second.

Kaitlyn..goes home...
She's very sad. There were a few long minutes of her looking at Chris and looking to the side. Finally the black mini van engine starts ( I find it refreshing that there are not limos in Bali..or at least not on the show.but they still have to find a unnecessarily large vehicle to burn fossil fuels). She gets in..and perhaps most telling she says "this is the most humiliating moment of my life"...and like a good Canadian she fastens her seatbelt.  Safety first...hopefully protection was used throughout this episode...although that can't cushion the emotional blows.

Next week..it's wtf..i mean WTA..(Women Tell All)

Until next week...I LOVE THIS SHOW!!!

2-day extravaganza:

This is a two day extravaganza- what to report on...these were amazing episodes.
First..this season has got to be the season with the worst hotel rooms in Bachelor history.
Night one: Kinda like hometowns
Chris wants to take the girls to Iowa. They stay in Des Moines just 3 short hours away from Arlington. Jade is the lucky girl to get the real hometown date...where they toured his farm and then took the 1 minute tour of downtown Arlington.
Whitney gets the other 1:1 date...Whitney is so eager about everything. EVERYTHING. I like enthusiasm..but hers strikes me as a desperate eagerness. they have a downtown date..they take photos of each other..she was thrilled..later they met his friends..still thrilled...then they have a mural of them ..she was SO THRILLED.
The girls back at the hotel room need out. That was one ugly hotel room, not even the new accent pillows could refresh that tired looking room. The fake plants were awful.
Des Moines looked kinda pretty though
The girls who didn't get a 1:1 took a road trip to Arlington..where some of them were overwhelmed with how underwelmed they were. Like Britt. But Casey ensured she reported that detail to Chris not the skating date.
After the skating date..they went to a coffee shop...where Kaitlyn got the rose..that put Britt into a tizzy..she was slowly starting to unravel..and made it awkward to everyone after the rose was given to Kaitlyn..Britt can't recall that others have been in that position that she was in now.
Casey was so funny that episode..but i'm unconvinced she loves Chris that much..i'm convinced that she is looking to be loved.
Before the rose ceremony everyone is getting worried...Casey and Whitney are especially mad...
Britt gets let go. I think she was sobbing so loudly outside the house like a last ditch effort for Chris to get her to come back
At the rose ceremony Casey get the boot. I wonder if she sees Britt at the airport...

The real hometowns..

Becca - Louisiana
What was with Becca's top? It was like a tank top blouse? What was it all about..i guess it's good if you really want a good shoulder tan.
Becca is awaiting for Chris in a playground that is adjacent to a lake that has alligators (?!). No wonder there aren't any kids in that park. Oh.then they ride down in a canoe by the alligators.
Then they meet Becca's family in a well-appointed home.  How does Becca not pass on any make up tips to her sister. That was a way too smoky eye. Becca's sister took Chris aside to tell him Becca is not an intimate person. And that she doesn't do PDA..just because someone isn't into PDA doesn't mean they are not intimate..and what does "not an intimate person " really supposed to mean?

Take-home from this hometown: BECCA HAS NEVER BEEN IN A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP BEFORE.


Whitney-Chicago
(warning-I find Whitney annoying..i'll try hard to be a bit more positive)
Whitney is walks with purpose. And she is singularly focused...oops actually she's doubly focused...she really wants to be with Chris. She meets Chris in a park and tells him she is going give him a tour of her life...First off to the clinic..where she is  MESMERIZED with how cute is in scrubs...she gives him the birds and the bees talk..test tube style..then she takes him to the men's room..replete with adult movies and Playboy magazines (wonder if Jade's issue was there)...and she would test his sperm. Guess what ..she was JUST JOSHIN'...oh that Whitney. (pfffttt.marching soldiers comment)
Then they are off to meet her sister, brother in law and her uncle. Another well appointed place with great light fixtures...they are all welcoming. I kinda like Whitney's uncle. Whitney pulls her sister aside to TELL her how into Chris she is and to TELL her that it is ON HER to give her blessing WHEN Chris asks for it. Whitney was doing no listening. Kimberly was not as enthused...i like that she told Chris she'd give her blessing when Whitney was not a 25% chance.
Whitney then took Chris home. I'm not surprised that Whitney has a small yappy dog. Whitney pulls out a bottle of wine that she said she was going to drink with her husband. Her and Chris embrace.

Take home from this hometown: WHITNEY LOVES CHRIS!!!!!!!!!

Kaitlyn - Leduc I mean Phoenix.
Aww..no Alberta visit for Chris. Kaitlyn's family winters in Phoenix.
First they have a rap session.
Her parents and their spouses an her sister are all present..they all get along..Sweet. Not much happens. Except the little detail of the billboard that reveals Kaitlyn hearts Chris. That Kaitlyn has a hard time expressing with words..hopefully the billboard cuts it.
I"m betting her top is from Maison Scotch:)

Take-home from this hometown: Kaitlyn still has a wall-up.

Jade- Omaha
Whoa..I thought that hometowns had home staging done. Nope. Especially not in Jade's case. But outdated coaches and windows coverings are the least of her problems.
She has to have a revealing date.(heh heh)
Chris meets her dad, the dad's fiancee, the brothers and the mom. Chris makes an excellent decision to give the flowers to Jade's mom.
Jade's brothers have nothing notable to say except Jade is a 'wild mustang'. I love how supportive Jade's dad is of her..and then he had a cry. Awww...his quote "don't let someone put you down for who you are".
Chris who was all convinced of her midwest values..his interest is piqued. Since the date was so early, they go back to his really ugly hotel room. Were those brass doorknobs? Jade tells Chris about her Playboy photo shoot and then show him. Chris is nervous. I mean..whaddya say? But he was actually super sweet. Jades leaves the lap top with Chris..and appears to leave his hotel room in her socks..do you have to take your shoes off at the door of this hotel room?

Rose Ceremony
Ugh..Whitney got the rose..she takes the rose and I think she burned some laser focus into his corneas.
Kaitlyn (YAY!)
Becca (OKAY!)

Jade gets the boot. Chris is affected..he even pulls a Mesnick in the hotel.

Next week..the FODs in Bali!!
Until next week - I LOVE THIS SHOW!!!

Clear the deadwood

This Bachelor is turning the beat around..
Leftover Rose Ceremony from last week.
But .ooo.right..Kelsey is having a fake panic attack..it was like a wheezy cry...I thought panic attacks were flushed chest, difficulty breathing..i didn't know they could take this form. Kelsey was writing on the floor and clutching her chest. Whitney's the fertility nurse's medical assessment of the situation..."it's weird". Thanks Nurse Whitney. But she is a fertility nurse...maybe she only specialized in contractions below the navel.
But Kelsey perked up with some CO2 (Chris and some oxygen)
All good.
Samantha (who's that ) and McKenzie go home. Oh.and Ashley was crying out of nervous ness.but she gets the rose!

Beccas' make-up- Becca is heavily made up..but I wonder what foundation she uses...and she must use some heavy duty primer because her makeup always looks perfect...not amazing...but perfect...
Excellent coverage she she is sans pores.

Despite the US economy taking an upturn...the Bachelor is keeping' costs low..and headin' to Deadwood...Deadwood describes who action packed this episode was.

First one on one.Boring Becca with perfect foundation. She has a great date outfit..loved the sweater and shirt..and she rode the horse like a champ. Then then went to a fire and tried to roast some skewered chicken and vegetables that looked like they were leftover from the last camping date. Did Chris even cooks those skewers. Oh.Becca's a virgin..and she finds kissing awkward..on TV because her dad will see. I forgot what Becca's occupation was..not too bright if she doesn't like PDA..that's what one signs up for on this show.

Becca  gets the rose...

Big and Rich
Didn't they break up?  I'm sure I saw that on a  a CMA show..I guess they don't make TMZ much...my main source of pop culture info.
Well - I thought it was going to be a hoe-down..but nope..more like song writing and singing in a bar where they let a few patrons watch. The girls write songs for Chris..Carly was amazing. Britt was cute..Jade worked through her fears.
I'm pretty sure Big was drunk during this...
After the serenading..they sat around..and Chris had a few one on ones where women reassured him they were interested in him. Sell Sell Sell.
Britt -  I wonder if she showered for Deadwood - got whisked away by Chris where she faked being excited for a Big and Rich concert...The other pretty little tumbleweeds sat back at the bar and waited around and got progressively more insecure..Meanwhile Chris presents Britt with a rose on stage..Britt says that she feels everyone in the concert (all 250 of them)..wanted to be her. The..the
Pièce de résistance....Chris and Britt danced (or more like Britt jumped around) to the song Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy. Nope Britt..not everyone wishes they were you at that time.

Britt got the rose..and a whole heap o tension back when Chris returned with her..Then Chris says he wishes he could bring back the positive joy..tough to be positively joyous when you are being rejected...


Two on one
Kelsey and Ashley....they are more the same than opposite..all three are pumped to ride in a helicopter!!!!! (I don't understand helicopter enthusiasm on the show)...To the badlands..and in a nutshell..they all went to a bad place. They get dropped off near a canopied bed..then they get private time by some dusty rocks. Ashely is mean about Kelsey. Kelsey feels self righteous. chris tells Kelsey (what a ding dong) Kelsey confronts Ashley..to noone's surprrise.Ashley loses it...gets sent packing..by that i mean someone (who apparently has no access to hair, makeup or wardrobe)is dispatched to pick up her suitcases..The girls are shocked and saddened..Then Chris breaks the news to Kelsey that she is gonzo..She keeps her chin up..because above everyone is where she is..I like how Kelsey constantly reframes things..first this was going to be her love story..then she ends with saying that this was her attempt at adventure in love. Then the disheveled suitcase fetcher gets her bags..the girls rejoice!!!


But all this drama means no rose ceremony!!
Until next week...I LOVE THIS SHOW!!

Hey Hey Hey - to finding love in Sante Fe

You know..everyone is caring what Chris is thinking.
I think to be a bachelorette, one must suspend any critical thinking (of oneself..they are quick to be critical of others) and worry about what Chris is thinking.
The Bachelor is like a weird prison..you can't leave, you have supervised outings and the warden (Christ) and his helper (Chris H) get to decide when you leave.

The girls head to Sante Fe!! Three cheers..hey hey hey..to finding love in Santa Fe
Which is not a different country - Megan. Yeesh.

Love guru.
The first on one one is with Carlie..the cruise ship singer...she reminds me a bit of a cross between Katie Perry and Amy Poehler. I like Carlie.but Carlie has been wounded in love.
They go meet the love guru..is that really a thing?
Carlie and Chris get suited up in white garb (Carlie's has  draw string) and the love guru makes them  unpant, i men unmask, blind fold and breathe on each other. I felt just as awkward watching this as I do when Ashley I and Chris kiss.
They did bare (not literally) a lot to each other...pretty intense conversation for the Bachelor..she telling Chris she felt unworthy of love and Chris saying he wasn't sure someone would want to live on a  farm. Pretty honest...Gotta give it up to the love guru..maybe the burning sage did something after all.
Then it turned into a typical bachelor date when they went off to a room and sat/lounged by a fireplace surrounded by pillows that was a spot that was conducive to lying down. They remained upright and honest. I like Carlie..too bad she needs to get validation from a dude to feel attractive..it's understandable but hard to hear that someone else's opinion will influence what she thinks of herself.

Carlie gets the rose!

The Rapids date that was the LONGEST DATE EVER
what  snore.
They rode rapids.
Jordan came back at the cocktail party (gasp)..how long is the ride from Colorado to Sante Fe.
Everyone is steaming mad that Jordan is back..it wrecks the cocktail party. They are all wondering What is Chris thinking??
As if seeking re-election - Chris doesn't want to disappoint the masses..so he ejects Jordan..and she's sent packing.i mean..driving (her suitcase was probably still in her trunk)
Fave quote of that date: ashely "my mind is boggled"

Britt -

One of the most fascinating facts of the night was that Britt doesn't shower.  That is the most fascinating question of the evening. I can understand multiples days of not hair washing? But non showering. Is it an aesthetic thing? Does she think it will dry out her skin? Is she big on water conservation? She also sleeps with her make up on. But if she doesn't wash...how would she remove it??
She gets a surprise wake up call. The night before she was crying because her date card said something about being sky high.and she has a huge fear of heights. Chris wakes her up..she rushes around to find clothes..and puts on dirty socks (ewww...but she doesn't wash so it doesn't matter).
How does she look so good without showering. Like really. For someone who was so scared of heights she was ecstatic of a a hot air balloon ride. Last time I checked those go pretty high..and you are flying around in a basket. Well, they have a romantic time.hopefully Chris is upwind of Britt. They kiss. A lot. the hot air balloon attendant must just be focusing on the flame. Not of lot of options for him in the basket.
After the hot air balloon ride..Chris takes her to his room..where they crawl clothed into bed..and 'nap'. Well hot air balloon rides are pretty tiring. Oh they had coffee and snacks too.


Kelsey's story
Kelsey tells Chris she is a widow..and creepily gives a monologue on camera how this is her love story too. Is she lying about being a widow? She seems very intent on having limelight and having this being told in story books. So she's a guidance counsellor. Really?
It seemed weird that she wanted to make out with Chris after she tells him this story.

I think the Bachelor skimped on psychological testing for this batch of contestants.

Cocktail Party

Scratch that. Chris knows what he wants and he announces the conversation he had with Kelsey made him reflect on things. Kelsey (who i'm certain is wearing Stella and Dot earrings) seems very assured that she is not going home..until Chris cancels the rose ceremony. She gets up..and then goes and has a panic attack.

Rose Ceremony

That's right..no ceremony! We need to attend to Kelsey's panic attack...
What happens..I guess we find out next week..
Until then,
I LOVE THIS SHOW.

Every rose has it corn(niess)

Dunno about the demographics of the Bachelor blog..but the tittle is a spin from the every 80s hit by Poison (?) called Every Rose Has Its Thorn...
Yes..i liked bad music then..and umm..i still do..in 2015.
But back to this horrifically stunted yet glorious program whose producers might think that they highlight women's strength by having them run a mudder type race..whilst in wedding dresses and the prize is to spend time with a man.

Sidebar: This is the season of the lashes and accessories..but lashes seem very 2013..it really is all about the eyebrow in 2015 well at least according to my fave youtube make-up artists. Not sure how they get mascara on those lashes without marking the top of the eyelid.

Group date-gonna get  natural (on this very fake reality show) Part 1
Well the girls get all natural for the date. I think Ashely I was so busy with her lashes she forgot to put on the bottom half of her top to make it a crop top.and she forgot to button her shorts. They all get to go to a lake..more bikini time..but this time in a marshy backdrop. Some dis-robing happens. yawn. Nothing new.

Sigh..
But this is what we all signed up for. I've gotta make it quick..
Chris (the host) comes for a visit. Chris is looking like he is working out...maybe him and Jillian are pumping iron between takes. Chris is somewhat newly divorced...likely getting in some good 'me' time...maybe he's meditating..eating more vegetables and laying off the cocktails.he's looked refreshed. He announces to the remaining girls at the house that Chris's sisters will visit

The not-so-evil sisters visit.
Chris' sisters..who all look they've been to a salon for blow outs...come to visit the bachelor mansion to choose someone worthy for a one on one date with their brother. Jillian had taken a break from push-ups to catch some zeds and sun her activated glutes poolside. Someone is kind enough to wake her up for the sisters interview.
Jade gets the golden ticket (it actually was golden..not like the American Idol golden ticket which really is a yellow piece of paper).

Group date: Natural date part 2
After the lake fun..they get to stay the night..in a tent. And they all get to double up and pitch tent. Confused tenting ensues. Chris goes to help. they have a fire and they barbecue skewered meat that they probably picked up at Albertson's on the way..oh and marshmallows. Chris takes the girls on a mini cliff to have some one on one time. When Ashely approaches Chris with her open mouth to kiss hime...it reminds me of this really scary picture of an eel i had in my Bio 20 textbook of this really big mouth wide open. What ensues after  she and Chris connects mouths...it seems like there is vacuum suction there..like she could seriously suction any food item that he inadvertently aspirated.
Ashley S remains psychologically unstable. I"m not sure why the show doesn't get her help. It's not funny. Ashely I's fake eyelashes look even more creepy by firelight.
The girls think Kelsey is fake..she is all smiles around Chris..not good to be fake on the natural date.
Kaitlyn is funny and seems normal..she gets the rose. (that was put in the cooler under the raw skewered chicken..hopefully she doesn't put it near any mucous membrane).
Everyone goes to bed.
The fire is left burning.
Speaking of a burning fire..Ashely i thinks its important she tells Chris she's a virgin..but it's a fail. Chris is not picking up that she has not put out.

Back at the mansion..
Jade gets some real jewels!!! (or ones that are inflated in value due to diamond cartels)
Jade must get ready for her fairy tale date.
So I don't start to develop bad reflux..i have to be light on details.
All the girls are jealous. Jade gets a transformation room. The cool think is she get to keep Neil Lane diamond earrings and Laboutin shoes..i say..that's a score. She picks a blue dress. She gets made up ..i'm guessing not using the organic make up line that she is producing...She is wearing blue eyeliner...i thought you weren't supposed to match your makeup to your clothes..then again her 'fairy godmother' had washed out pink hair. Jade watches the part of the Cinderealla preview.
A car, not a carriage..comes to pick her up. Prince Farming is waiting for her..after he has practised some of his box step moves. He seems a bit stiff and in bit need for some Yin yoga.

They have a date..they dine..I think (did they eat?)..they have no conversation. They were both engaged!! (GASP)..really who cares. It seems like Chris gave her the rose because the sisters picked her.
Chris has one more surprise!! He gets to use his box step after all...they go to another room where  there is an ORCHESTRA!! and they get to dance on a round raised platform...Sidebar..it totally reminded me of the round table that Ivan and I polkaed on..then off of..at Festival '98...Ivan was no prince Farming..but that dude could polka!! (just not on a wobbly table at 3 AM).
Chris and Jade dance..to the sounds of the orchestra and to an excerpt of the movie Cinderella.
But back to the show..
Guess what time it is..Nope..not Hammer Time..but almost midnight..and she has to tell him..Can't touch this..because it's almost midnight. Jade seriously had to run to the car..as the clock was striking midnight...I'm actually betting that it was 10..but they just moved the clock ahead.


Another group date. Group race
In wedding dresses. In mud..to win time with Chris.
Insulting.
Jillian won..and she kissed her biceps at the finish line.
They went on what looked like a beautiful date in San Francisco. In all seriousness the second person who needs a psychological intervention is Jillian. All she talked about was competing and working out. What a snore. I'm guessing the producers cut her commentary about her diet. That  I would have found interesting.  But as my dear friend Di said..noone cares to hear about your workout. It's narcissistic and she identifies with it so much that she has nothing else to talk about.

Chris cut her loose.

Rose ceremony
the big reveal Ashely I is a virgin. Who cares. Then she has a meltdown. She is the 3rd person who needs psychological support.She wears a bad dress again.
so is Becca..but she didn't make it an issue.
Mackenzie looks like she is wearing a cute mint t-shirt but it is really a dress.
Britt asks Chris some questions..to which he has to essentially walk away from. Not cool.
Kaitlyn and Jade look beautiful.

Juliea and Ashley are gone..and so is the girl who wore a blouse and a skirt.

Julia gets a walk out from Chris who reassures her she will be found. Umm okay fortune teller.
But we should all learn from Ashely in her closing words...when a dude doesn't pick you your reaction should be.. I don't care..and go out whistlin'

until next week I (still) LOVE THIS SHOW!!!
.

The Mystery Guest, The "Amazing" Jar and The Farmer

The Mystery Guest, The "Amazing" Jar and The Farmer

Hi, I’m your guest blogger this week - since your regular bachelorette is working the casino!  You know, like Johnny Carson had his guest hosts, or Peter Mansbridge not always hosting the National, like on weekends.  So here we go….

It’s another Monday night in January…no more Monday Night Football (fyi – I’m an ex-bachelor)…but there is a different type of competition… The Bachelor!  Twenty-five players and one prize at the end (or maybe a trophy?!)!

What the…. the first shot is of Chris showering with Jimmy Kimmel?!!? Oh this is just all the previews for tonight’s episode  - it looks like a good one!  Some mystery guy is arriving at the Bachelor compound, he wakes up a snoring Chris; ...here's JIMMY (Kimmel).

Nikki loves Jimmy - she explains to the cameras.  Thank god for the PVR (…sorry Karol) - I need to catch up - there are.... 18 players left; or “Sister Wives” as Jimmy Kimmel likes to call them.  Jimmy introduces the amazing (swear) jar - wonder what they will do with all the cash at the end?!?

Date CARD!

Kaitlin gets her crack at Chris…. they will join an “exclusive club” and high ceilings…. I’m thinking this will be the mile-high club…. what the heck, they pull into the Costco parking lot… I hope they brought their Costco cards, you know members only!

We are really at Costco….oh, Jimmy gave them a shopping list and a Costco card!  Chris thinks the big bottle of Ketchup could “be fun”!  Wow, Chris thinks they have chemistry… now they are in a giant hamster ball!??!  Good thing they have the limo because they bought a lot of ketchup, I mean stuff, including bourbon.  Back at the house, they’re into the bourbon and getting it on - there are some kisses!  I think there really is some chemistry!  …they are still making out….. enter Jimmy!

We find out that Kaitlin dated farmers before! I think Jimmy is ruining this date!  Oh, Kaitlin is the CANADIAN - go girl!!   ….and she is pretty open-minded about the fantasy suite and “test driving” before you buy! Jimmy - and Chris - love Canadians!  Jimmy suggest a threesome - there are a lot of laughs… and Chris is getting the ketchup (he says – I’m not sure what that means, but Chris must have a ketchup fetish)!  Chris thinks the date was “amazing” and gives Kaitlin a rose and a BIG kiss!  Jimmy ends up in the hot tub with Kaitlin and Chris. 

Back at the farm… the amazing jar is getting very full!??!  …and group date  card, for about seven women - I think.  Cut!

Action: Gillian is working out and doing push-ups…. is this the wrong channel?, not that this is a problem.  Gillian announces “I would be scared of me” - I think she is just crazy.

Ok - Group Date is on:  There are twelve women.  Jillian is showing us her muscles and moves.  The competition starts, peel the corn - this is like Survivor - I like the competition!  Jillian’s rear gets blacked out - what is she (not) wearing?  Carly is first to milk the goat and drink it!  Now onto shoveling  crap, then to the pig pen.  While Carly is trying to get into the pen, Jillian “literally” hurdles into it - the producers play it back in slow-mo; it’s impressive and they had to black out her bum again!  But Carly wins in catching the pig: she waits rather than chases the piggies.

Group date cocktail party; Juelia is looking for some Chris time - so sad.  Carly grabs Chris and then does the whole “you are a man, I am a woman” and bam lays a kiss on Chris… good for you girl!  Next up is Amber - dancing … kissing.  Now a girl in white… more kissing.  One of the women is calling out Chris on all his kissing (sorry I can’t keep up….)- I tend to agree with her and some do some of the other women.  Becca has a nice talk with Chris….more kissing?? Oh no, only hugs and Becca says she does not want to kiss so soon. …Here comes the rose; someone impressed Chris….it’s Becca!  Carly is upset that she is “roseless” - add that one to the dictionary!  Oh yeah, more drama coming up!!

Five dateless girls back at the house (plus Kaitlin).  DATE card… Whitney gets it - she cries.  We think her hair is too yellow!

DATE (with Whitney): She has a funny little voice - I couldn't take that voice…. Chris tells her  he wants a girl that can “roll the cob” and “shoot the $&%&#”.  They are way too nice to each other.  They decide to crash a wedding that is down the hill - sure that is not set up at all.  they start walking down the hill… commercial.  Back - now they are in the limo in formal dress and suit, and it is nighttime….hmmm!??!  They decide their story is that they are engaged - they show them “crashing the wedding”.  They dance, meet the family and participate in the bouquet and garter tossing.  They dance some more… of course more kissing.  Chris you are a dirty dog! Whitney thinks this is the “beginning of a lifetime” and Chris thinks she made this date incredible …it was not the date it was her… Chris says he could see her as his wife!!  I don’t know this boy is gonna crash hard…. sooner than later!

In the morning, Chris and Jimmy shower together...the amazing jar is full - I thought the girls had to handover all their earthly belongings….NO cocktail party!…. Pool party instead!!

Juelia gets Chris out of the pool and pours out her heart… she wants to fall in love, since her life was turned upside down. I guess she was married and also had a baby.  her ex had written a suicide note and then her ex was waiving around a gun - she left him; but soon after takes his own life. wow this is heavy.

Next up: Ashley I. - no just talk.  It is some other girl…. she just decides kiss Chris… a lot… Jade thinks she needs time - so she “gets in there”; them are some high white high heels…. looking a little nasty, girl… Where are they? apparently in his room - with no windows...  Good move Jade! then she ends up in bed with him - she is sneaky – guess what? More kissing. 

They walk out and see Jillian in the hot tub.  I think she have had a few too many wobbly pops… Ashley I. joins them in the hot tub and also some other girls - they get kicked out.  They go to the corner and plot their next move.  Megan says she needs some one-on-one time.  Chris is back to sucking face with  Jillian.  Now the three girls are back!  it’s very awkward in the tub.  Jillian is hogging Chris.  Ashley runs away and throws her drink glass down… good thing they gave them plastic.

Back inside, Ashley grabs Chris, they go to an outside patio.  She has a meltdown - she is half laughing half crying (weird!) - Chris apologizes…. guess what next… more kissing.  I hope she doesn't fall off the patio!  I think Chris must have broken the record for most make-out sessions in one episode… never underestimate a farmer!

Back to the communal couch - Chris Harrison shows up and says there is a rose ceremony tonight.  Chris gets a pep talk from Jimmy Kimmel before the rose ceremony.  Chris thinks he had an amazing… hmm, incredible week.  Here we go, the roses are getting handed out: Jade, Samantha, Juelia, Mackenzie, Chelsea, Britt, Megan (…nice dress), Carly (see you still got one), Ashley S., Nikki, Jillian…… Ladies, (enter Jimmy K.) this is the final rose…. Ashley I.!  Going home are: Amber, Trina, Tracy …and then there are fifteen!

She thinks my tractor is sexy

I tuned it after a few minutes late. That is not the way I like to start Bachelor watching..but c'est la vie. I see women in bikinis in shiny red tractors. Yup. I got the right show. Although I didn't get the  backstory - but guessing the 'winner' gets time with Chris. The tractors are slow. Chris comments that they start off like snails and then he makes a honking sound. Whuh? I'm starting to doubt Chris' intelligence.
Ashely, the free lance journalist who looks amazing in a white bikini "wins". The prize is some one on one time with Chris sitting on his lap - drinking champagne of course.
Why is Chris wearing a hoodie without a t-shirt underneath?
The other girls are sitting around surrounded by hay bales looking Frozen and talking about Chris. Seriously, these girls just need to Let it Go.
Chris comes back..and asks to spend the rest of the date with Mackenzie.
Is Ashley seriously a freelance journalist? How does she not know to say gypped on the show? How do the producers not edit that?
Mackenzie..talks to Chris notices he has had his ears (did he get both of them done?) about big noses and aliens.Nice to know Chris doesn't release based on belief in aliens… Chris..you're a better person than I.
Mackenzie also tells Chris about her son Kale (Umm rutabaga is the new kale..kale is very 2014). Very sweet that he embraces vegetables children.
They end off their date with dancing in a corner..and he kisses her 5  6 times (according to Mackenzie)

Date card!
Megan the make-up artist. gets the card.
Coming off watching the Golden Globes and brand new youtube videos by my favourite make-up artists Kara Kendall, Tati , Sonia Gasparian and Desi Perkins (ok I follow too many make up people on Youtube), but I"m underwelmed by Megan's make up artistry. And I know (from Youtube) you can pull off stellar dupes with drugstore brands so what's Megan's excuse??
pardon me..i get a little passionate about make up..but back to true love..Megan got a date…they went to an airport!!!! and then on a helicopter!!! The views were great..but she seemed so taken with the Grand Canyon that she face planted in his stomach..like she was projecting her visceral reaction. So weird.
The hopped off the helicopter and had a picnic. The setting was gorgeous. Megan tells Chris about her dad dying..and that her mom told her to follow her heart. She also told Chris that she is not here for the wrong reasons…nuh-uh….only the right reasons. Atta girl.
I actually don't agree with Chris saying  Megan has the best blue eyes in North America..my nephew does…sans any make-up product. Case on best blue eyes in North America closed.
Chris is smitten with Megan…i don't' get it..and I don't get why she sporadically whispers to Chris.
She gets the rose!

Ooo..whoa ..heavy topics on this bachelor..Juelia tells the girls that she is a widow. The girls are compassionate and ask questions..even after Juelia tells them her husband committed suicide.  I thought they were very supportive…but asked the useless question if she had noticed any signs..i'm not sure how that question is helpful.
But how are the girls so supportive of that but not when Ashley clearly is having some type of issue with reality on the zombie date? I thought they lacked compassion and insight…it was like a group, mean girl bully mentality. That was sad to watch.

That whole Zombie date was hard to watch. The squealing girls in the limo..super annoying. I don't get the preoccupation with zombies…i thought the guy i dated in 2011 (briefly) who talked about zombies was an anomaly. But so many people are interested…I don't get it…Still doesn't want to make me get back together with the zombie loving DJ. But back to true love…Britt gets a card that says free kiss from Chris. She's thrilled. I hope noone tells her that Chris hasn't been charging for kisses.  Kaitlyn gets the rose!

I have to say..what endeared me to Chris is how he treated Ashley. He didn't call her 'cray'. He actually gives people a chance and accepts them as they are.

Jordan's upside down tweaking whilst drunk seemed like perfect example of why they should keep helmets at the Bachelorette mansion.

Cocktail party
I will say one thing is cray. Ashley's outfit. and there is another..Ashley's overzealous make out with Chris. Yikes. Both are TOO MUCH.
Jordan was drunk.
I think Whitney's voice got higher pitched than last week.
TaraThe cowgirl was sad.
Britt was emotional.
Katherine was back!! (whuh? she came back?)
Not much else..oh..the bartender asked to kiss Chris. Seriously? - but she secured a rose.
Jillian wiped out enroute to get a rose that wasn't hers. but she got one later…
Ashley got a rose..
Did anyone notice the sunflowers behind Chris when he was awarding roses…he likes to keep it as country as he can.
and a bunch of other girls got roses…

Tara had the saddest swan song…it went on for many verses…so much sadness for her. Yikes Tara…you gotta love yourself first…then it doesn't matter if a farmer from Iowa whose dress pants are too short doesn't pick you.

Oh..quick note..no rose report next week…this bachelorette is working a casino…oh..i mean working at a casino…not "working a casino"… I'll be up even later then when I write this report..but what do I love….. you guessed it..
I LOVE THIS SHOW!!
see you in two weeks!!